Materials you’ll need:
- Pencils (@ 75 – 100),
- Home Smoke Alarms (@ 3,279),
- Play-Doh ™ brand play-dough,
- One (1) Lead Vest “borrowed” from a hospital’s X-Ray unit or your dentist.
Step One: Cut the tinfoil sheets into thin, long rectangles about one (1) centimetres wide, by (8) centimetres long. Prepare about four dozen or so.
Step Two: Remove the wood coverings of the pencils and grind the graphite rods by hand or with a small coffee grinder. Grind into fine particles.
Step Three: Combine the graphite powder with the Play-Doh ™. By weight, add 3 parts graphite to 1 part Play-Doh ™.
Step Four: Shape the graphite dough into small two centimetre sized cubes. Wrap a tinfoil rectangle around each. Make around forty-eight (48) cubes.
Step Five: Locate and remove the tiny amount of radioactive Americium from your approximately three thousand two hundred and seventy-nine (3, 279) smoke alarms.
(Helpful Hint: Large apartment buildings are often the best locations to find smoke alarms. Merely sneak into such buildings and, with a broom handle, run down the hallways while knocking the alarms off the ceilings. If anyone asks what you’re doing, inform them you are the fire alarm inspector and that you forgot your ladder.)
Step Six: Combine the Americium bits into a sphere approximately the size of a baseball. Remember to wear the lead vest you acquired from the health service you chose to grossly abuse.
(Helpful Hint: To store your Americium ball in between experiments, wrap the lead vest around the sphere and place it in your bathtub. Then find a new place where you can bathe.)
Caution! Improper storage of the radioactive sphere may result in:
- House pets experiencing spontaneous combustion.
- Large sores appearing on your room-mate who inadvertently took a long shower in your now-radioactive bathtub.
- Emergence of super-powers, if by “super-powers” we mean “super-melanoma”.
Step Seven: Stack the graphite & Play-Dough ™ cubes, each wrapped in tinfoil, around the ball of radioactive Americium in a square pattern. Wrap the top of this large cube with a sheet of tinfoil.
Step Eight: If properly constructed, the radiation from the Americium sphere will bounce off the sides of the graphite-Play-Doh cubes stacked around it and flow upwards through the thin sheet of tin foil. The top of the cube will grow hot. Very hot. Very, very hot. Congratulations! You’ve just made your first nuclear reactor!
What You Can Do With Your Home-Made Nuclear Reactor:
- Use the hot top of your reactor as an oven element to cook food in a frying pan, on a grill, or a wok. Now you can enjoy bacon that only took you .003 of a second to cook!
- In the winter, your nuclear reactor will heat your home to a cheery 113 degree Celsius!
- The radiation created by your home nuclear reactor is perfect to sterilize cookware of all germs. Other house-hold items you can sterilize are towels, pets, and the mailman.
How to Turn Your Home-Made Nuclear Reactor into a Thermonuclear Bomb to Get Rid of Unwanted Neighbours and, Hell, the Whole Neighbourhood:
- Place your home-made nuclear reactor in your microwave.
- Set microwave to “High” and the timer for five minutes. Hit start button on microwave.
Next Week’s Home Project: Turning a Thousand Cheap Laser Key Pointers into a Mega-Laser Capable of Stunning Airplane Pilots at 30,000 Feet!